It’s been a while since I wrote to ya. Mainly because the gnats that cloud my mind have been buzzing again. On a given bad day — bad moment — they fly back in and try to make a nest. They reproduce on feelings like, “is it even worth spending the time to write?” and “do I even make sense?” and my least favorite, “no one cares.” Yet again I have called in the exterminator (hey God, me again) and He cleared the air so I’m here.
It’s astonishing how life with God can be both a insatiable longing and also a complete satisfaction. That neither of the two feelings together make me think I am contradicting myself or my hearts current state of affairs. To infinity and beyond, am I right?
I’m at a point in life where I can very well say that some areas have been exhausted. Not forever, but for the time being. I thought writing was one of them. That thing I was “only in the mood for.” But if a lot of decisions had to be based on moods than I would be a lifeless slob who never took care of herself and her personal hygiene and that is no bueno.
Yes, certain hobbies do fade because my attention span dies off. Oh well. It happens. Doesn’t mean the part of me hardwired to write is somehow gone, I just haven’t chosen to exercise it. It’s probably linked to that same part of my brain that attaches to a song that I absolutely LOVE and listen to to the point of exhaustion and then NEVER revisit it again. It’s the coffee order I purchase with my extra spending money until I am sick of it, never to order it again. My moods can’t be trusted. Like a clothing fad that resurfaces after enough time or frozen yogurt bars (remember those) that stay hot for lengths of time and then die completely. It impacted a lot of your time, but it wasn’t something you’d die for. (Side-note: I am projecting smoothie-bowl shops are the next fad, let me tell you, they’ll be be extinct by 2022.) Some things just have a time and place and then it’s just gone. #FishnetStockings
No one can exhaust God.
Try it, I dare you.
Spoiler alert: God wins.
He’s never gone out of style.
The utter amazement that God is the source of life where my heart can both be so satisfied with Him, yet completely in need and in dire longing of newness and life and love all at the same time is incredible. I can be uncomfortable from breakfast until dinner and change to being comfortable from dinner to bedtime. I swear my friends actually think I am crazy because I will complain about wanting certain things one week and then next week thinking, “nah, to hell with it! Let’s move on! We got everything we need!” the next.
I am not a constant being and that fact is as constant as it gets with me.
If anything in this life actually had the power to satisfy us, completely satisfy us, then for starters, dreams would never exist and we would all be wearing the same outfits being boring together. What fun would that be? What a boring image God made us to be! I guess the jokes on us since some of us fall for this. To think that the source of all love, power, and creativity and beauty made us boring is quite comical. Most people haven’t really lost anything except God …. aka all the love and beauty (and peace and transformation and restoration and saving grace and mercy and I could go on and on and on….)
Once we lose Him, we lose everything. It’s not all at once it’s little by little. One day it makes no sense where it all went until we realize it all went. Dante starts the Divine Comedy off this way saying how at the midpoint of his life he came to the dark wood. The dark wood being his zest for life. And we should all have a moment when we feel like we’re in the dark wood. I have intentionally and purposefully participated in God’s saving grace and still enter dark woods, but at least I know He’s there. He never wants us to be so stagnant because love is not docile or emotionally detached. It’s always growing, always calling us to newness and abundance. Never giving up on us and encouraging us to put all we have out as an offering.
Here’s the thing, God reaching out and leading us to newness is not natural. It should inflict some crazy doubt or discomfort in us that God thinks deeply and personally about where were at in life and then makes plans to shake it up and provide better for us. Our direct path towards a zealous life is not the same as Sally’s, Mother Theresa’s, or the Pope’s. It’s our own personal untouchable relationship with God.
So often I tip-toe so shyly around life in fear of ever putting anything out there because what if someone steals my joy? What if someone kills the love? The way a little girl could be so ecstatic to be wearing a tutu but one person mocks or belittles the tutu and 2 minutes later it’s in the trash.
Take a solid moment and identify your “tutu”
(funny thing is, mine is actually a literal tutu…just add a tiara and I am set).
God doesn’t need you to do all this “stuff” in life. The evil one’s greatest tactic on human-beings is getting them to think they need to be constantly busy, never making time to just “be” and he’s thriving cause we’re falling for it. Again, God doesn’t need us to exhaust ourselves with “stuff” but He’ll definitely take us by the hand to a new chapter because it will somehow make us fall even more in love with life than we imagined.
Man, if He is awakening some crazy plan, dream, desire, or direction to you I hope and pray you get lost trying to find it cause in the search for it you’ll find love. Not because it’ll make you look good or aid to your success (which it probably will), but because it’s the literal life and breath of His creative energy breathing and working inside of you, with you. Co-creating together, producing your own kind of beauty and goodness. It’s always Him calling you, in love, to the places of your being that were made to come alive. What kind of creator would we have if it was not one who relentlessly revealed to you beauty and love and creativity: Himself; For in him we live and move and have our being (Acts 17:28)
To be on a journey of discovery of Him and how He moves and animates us is an adventure of a lifetime because it will offer us love we were made for.
I once laughed at myself, while eating chips and guac, realizing what I do for God is as comparable to a small child giving their mom or dad an “out of the lines” coloring page they called their: masterpiece. I laughed cause it was cute, not because it was a bad picture. I saw God adoring it, accepting it, using it and framing it because it’s perfect. Perfect because I put my heart and soul into it. Perfect because the joy I had while coloring was something no one could steal from me. Perfect because He knows my heart went into it and my heart matters. While coloring it, it shaped me and let me closer to the woman he made me to be, not when it was framed.
God wants our hearts to explode with zest and love. The way we get there is through the joy of coloring— not the finished product. What even is a finished product? If I could actually be a finished product in life then, again, to beat the dead horse in this article, WHAT FUN WOULD THAT BE?
God, who is all love and all power, shares that with us. He is not asking you to understand everything and then participate in power and love, He is telling you it’s right here. Right now if you choose it — even in the darkness– watch what you’ll do in the light. Grace is worth experiencing; being found and loved so deeply to the point of being rescued and engaged in joy is something nothing else offers if it’s pursued for in vain.
This grace is the source of all transformation in us and had I not found it, the tutu would still be in the trash. Hero’s aren’t made because it’s easy. Jesus didn’t die on a cross because it was easy. There was purpose and love involved. Tutu’s are usually worn with purpose and love, am I right?
When giving the parts of our hurting hearts to the Father, His perfect love only gives back a gift to us for our ability to feel alive and live in abundance with newness. Grace is ridiculous.
This is exactly what Jesus promised life with Him would do for us. He never leaves us bored and that is the greatest love we shall ever know and imitate. It’s personal. It’s relational. It’s all we ever dreamed of another person being for us. He’s stretching all of us to capacities our fragile minds didn’t even know we could achieve, and realities we didn’t know we could receive.
Oh, that God. He is more mystery than a murder mystery. More beauty than the sunset at Malibu. More love than any romance.
Here’s to wearing the bright pink and sparkly tutu. I like it better on me than the gnats, anyway.
“Confidently approach the throne of Grace to receive mercy and to find grace for timely help.” Hebrews 4:16