Disclaimer: I’m not attacking you, friend, just helping out.
Let’s be honest. You clicked this article for a reason. Deep down you might already know you’re settling but you don’t want to change. You deny because breakups are so painful. I know.
Maybe there are years of investment; your time, money, and more. Maybe there are family ties that are too strong and ending it would make it complicated for everyone. Maybe the sex and intimacy got too far that the person already receives a huge part of you, so why would you leave?
Whatever ‘excuse’ runs through your head that keeps you complacent, it needs to be exposed and brought to the light. Turn to friends, turn to silence, turn to God. Not only that, but don’t hold it in for the fact that your heart should experience the release and freedom from these thoughts that burden you. Thoughts that cloud your ability to judge the relationship, your life, your and your happiness.
Sometimes you don’t need to explain, you just know it’s the right thing to do. I know for me the hardest part was not the breakups, but leaving the other person in a state of hopelessness, loneliness, misunderstanding and hoping they don’t feel like they aren’t good enough because they did not fit the bill. But this was never a reason to delay a breakup, or go back to a relationship.
Romance is complicated, that is why I will keep using the word “sometimes.” Relationships of any kind open our personalities in profound ways. We become more charitable, maybe so charitable that we need to rest in solitude from overly exerting so much emotional energy on him/her.
We tend to act, think, imitate, and change based on the 5 closest people in our lives. There’s an extra emphasis on the ones were romantically involved with since they tend to be frequented with more of our time and become our primary allegiance of receiving love and romance. They require a lot of sacrifice for the other person and it is through that sacrifice you learn more about yourself and how you handle life. Many relationships get tested because feelings and gushy emotions tend to fade within the course time and everyday chaos.
Something I always ponder in romance is the reason behind the “pursuit” or as my mother calls it, “the chase.” What is it, in a person’s heart, that compels them to chase the person they’re after for a date? And likewise, what is it that they mourn after the breakup? This allows us to make room for thinking, “what is it that I admire so much about this person?” and not, “I’ve invested so much in them therefore it needs to last and be perfect.”
Whatever the motivation is, ask yourself if the relationship is something genuine and noble, something that offers much value and purpose to your life, Is this a companionship that could eventually lead to marriage, OR is this a temporary companionship that is serving my own loneliness right now?
Here’s what I mean. Why do Christians pursue the Chastity lifestyle? Because we acknowledge that every friendship does not need to be sexual. Romance is a very emotion filled investment and their should be minimal regrets and feelings of shame involved. Regret and shame are not love.
Pleasure is repeatable — people are not.
I’ve opened myself up to guys who have shown me how to intelligently think and dive deeper into fitness, guys who have taught me the value of spontaneity and adventure, guys who have taught me how beautiful I am, guys who have taught me that all I am is their therapist! None of these friendships were wasted time and all of these friendships showed me how much I am capable of loving someone in the way they best need, but none of these relationships screamed marriage for me. Which is the point of dating.
So, my friends deciding whether or not you are settling ….
Firstly, I need you to ask yourself if you are growing, changing, and being called into greatness?
Are you holding back on who you know, deep down, you want to be?
Is the person your with supportive and encouraging the ways you hope to grow in?
Can this person suffer with you and for you?
Can this person handle tough emotions and welcome your frustrations with compassion or are you the only one doing that?
Does this person encourage you to pursue your desires or belittle them and you?
Do you value the same foundations on spiritual and moral growth?
After that, read this article and go through another list and see what you start to feel.
Lastly, have the courage to talk about what you want changed, to change into what you want to become, and to never, ever, settle for anything less than you deserve.
This process is painful, but transforming. Your own identity will greatly benefit from the courage one decision takes.
Be brave, you got this,
A friend who never wants you to settle