“I just don’t get how you can trust God Like it’s nothing.”
I always want to take control over a lot of different areas in my life. I always think that if I am not always constantly thinking about certain things they would cease to happen. Yet, there’s a huge difference between desiring something and intentionally persisting towards it 🆚 deliberately thinking about it and letting it cause angst.
For example; marriage. I want it.
There was a year I desired, with every ounce of mental and emotional energy in me, to know what God has planned for me. I actually thought He would just tell me. (😂) I wanted to know the exact time things would fall into place, with whom, and how. The incertitude killed me and I hated it. With a never ending tapping foot and a clouded mind in anxious wonderment I’d, “maybe today I’ll meet him!” I grew weary. I even started to think I blew it with old flames, or that if I had taken another direction I could be with that person.
I started to concoct all these scenarios in my head of how and where and when the man of my dreams would fall into my lap. I started to timeline my life and base my happiness on whether or not I had a relationship yet, and if I wasn’t married by ‘x’ years old, I would be miserable.
That, my friends, is called ANGST.
I thought that if I didn’t spend every moment thinking about these things, consciously looking for the guy, then the minute I let it go, or let go of my control, I would never obtain marriage and I would miss the opportunity to pursue someone great.
Unless I was thinking, acting, praying, or agonizing over every thing I chose to do (which novenas to say) I would never make strides towards the goal. I never just enjoyed the art of mastering myself and enjoying life, I never sought potential dates out in a masculine friendship, I over-sexualized everything, and I did it because my mind wasn’t at peace until I could rest in knowing and possessing this “thing.”
“God just tell me who it is.”
“God just give me a relationship, I am ready.”
“God why are you waiting?”
What I learned is that the deliberate will of God is that I decide for myself, even if I am absolutely unsure. Go on dates. Talk to that cute boy. He’s not going to show up on your couch.
I was afraid of this because I didn’t want to be wrong and there is a ton of sneaky pride in that. I also based a lot of my decisions off of other peoples judgments towards my actions wondering what people would think about my potential mates.
But making decisions in uncertainty is abandonment.
What brings me peace now is not desiring to know who I will marry but knowing I strive to seek God sincerely. Notice how I didn’t say perfectly. Sincerely: “God is real, alive, He loves me, and He is acting with me and I have no ulterior motives behind it. I welcome Him in my life and want Him involved in my decisions.”
When we take a wrong turn on any kind of road trip, our GPS redirects us. That’s what God does every time we need it. We can’t be redirected (or directed) if we never get going. This is the process we must undergo in all areas of life.
Nothing will become clear in an intense prayer session, in another novena, but only in growing with God in every situation and letting Him speak to my heart and comfort it.
Cause’ it’s not about the answer, it’s about the relationship.
If you want to grow in finding the will of God for your life, it often reveals to be deeper and wider than your desire for tangible things; relationships, wealth, health, etc. My desire for marriage revealed to me a lot (read Theology of the Body for that good stuff). Things like, “would I even want to settle down right now?” “Am I even capable of commitment and relationship?” “am I even ready for kids financially and physically?”
In your desire, don’t seek an answer, just simply be and go, and pray to Him because He probably wants to teach you something.
In John 5 a man who had been ill for 38 years was finally seen by Jesus. Jesus looked at him, knowing what the last 38 years were like for him, and said, “do you want to be well?” the sick man answered him, “Sir, I have no one to… (essentially help him get well)… and Jesus said, “rise, take up your mart and walk.” Immediately the man became well, took up his mat, and walked.
When Jesus saw the man again He said, “Look, you are well; do not sin any more so that nothing worse may happen to you.” Jesus would say that to me in my nagging, “I see you. I know what you’ve wanted all these years ~ you are well, just don’t sin and nothing worse can happen.”
I will always desire marriage, but it won’t give me an abundant life. An abundant life is not necessarily obtaining all the things I want in and through marriage, relationships, health, and wealth but abundance is living in total dependence of Jesus.
When Jesus is around I am always in good company, I am always joyful, I am always my best self, I always know, SEEN, heard, cherished….. I am loved.
He is a genius for desiring to rest on our hearts because that’s the place everything stems from. Not letting my days, my moments, or my life fit into this “perfect” mold or expectation of anything allowed me to find inner serenity beyond my expectations. Getting surprised, and being on the lookout for what Jesus wants to do with my life is worth seeking out even in the uncertainty.
“The Lord loves him more who knows how to decide for himself without equivocating, even when he is uncertain, and who abandons himself with confidence to God as to the consequences, rather than the one who torments his spirit unceasingly in an effort to know what God expects of him and who never decides… perfectionism doesn’t have much to do with sanctity.” -Fr. Phillipe
The more difficult, the more He yearns to help. Anxieties wrap me up in myself, trapping my thoughts and leading me to isolation like that man for 38 years. I break free of them in the name of Jesus on my heart, in my life, and just living my daily life. Giving God control is patience, it is enjoying life, it is letting him spend time with us. It is inviting Him into the parts and paths you choose every day. God is your never-ending GPS, He’ll reroute you if He needs to.
There are not many firm, true, and stable foundations to place our trust and hope in. Friends fail us (not even intentionally sometimes), family can get chaotic, and even our moods and behaviors and successes fluctuate. God, though, God is always constant and moving, orchestrating an entire life plan, just for you.